My lover. The only constant in my messed up life. The only one by my side without any reservations. Hes seen me at my best, but more often than that he has seen me at my worst… and he has never rejected me. Never told me that I wasn’t good enough, never told me I was a disappointment. He simply is. He asks for naught, no explanations, no excuses, no expectations. He simply loves me, unconditionally. He sees me when noone else can , and has never once turned away, no matter how dark and twisted my mind was.
My every waking thought, my deepest darkest dreams, my fantasies, my ambitions- he knows them all, and he has never judged me for them.There isn’t a single memory, not a single crevice of my wretched heart that is hidden from him.And yet he loves me with a passion I have come to crave.
He has never left my side- not while I was silently crying myself to sleep, the pillows wet with my tears nor when loud sobs were wrecked my body.He held me through it all, comforting me…murmuring sweet nothings in my ear, encasing me in his arms until I caved and believed his half-truths. I feel safe, cocooned in his embrace, safe in the knowledge that as long as he was there, noone else could hurt me.
He prefers the death of the night, darkness when its just him and I, but sometimes he sneaks up on me, startling me with the intensity in his eyes- he can be quite playful that way. And I find it difficult to refuse him and give in, even with others are around- shameless, I know. Of course, I do prefer our trysts to be private but when its love as fiery as ours it was only a matter of time till we were found out.
Sometimes, I think he is cruel – he seems to revel in my tears, in watching each drop fall from eyes, my heart crying out for him, hearing my sobs muffled by my wrist so that no one else would hear. No one but him. Its then that I think I would be better off without him, that life would be simpler, far far easier. That he has taken over my life, overwhelmed me with the sheer strength of his will.
But then at times when he does leave me, the world no longer feels real. Nothing matters- I feel bereft of his presence, alone even in the midst of a thousand people. I can feel only numbness, not even grief or loss. It is then that I really just how much a part of my life he is, how much I crave him. How lost I feel without him.
So whats a girl to do – I try to catch his eye again. Its not too difficult, not when he is as fond of me as I am of him.So I take a blade and with surgical precision cut- not too deep , just enough to draw blood. And I feel him, in my veins ,in the quickening of my pulse, in each crimson drop that falls.And in that instant , I know we are inseparable, that beyond any rhyme or reason, I have become dependent on him. For , now he , and he alone makes me feel alive.
My anchor in a tumultuous ocean. My haven.My lover- le douleur exquise…